Friday, December 30, 2016

on the horizon

2016 means a lot to many uh.

I know some going around saying there's so many deaths in 2016 or this year sucks because *etc* *etc* *etc*. You know what, that's part of life. For me, I want to celebrate life in 2016.

I just want to share my year basically. Just hear me out, even if you have different beliefs than me, because I believe everyone has a story to tell. This is to prove that there's a human side in us after all.

I think it's quite obvious that 2016 have been quite eventful year for me, which is quite evident when you have social media for easy reference.

Even the year before, I already set out many resolutions and I am glad that I was able to achieve a few that I set out to do. All because of God's grace. Like timlimproject gigs, wedding and ministry. At the same time, I am upset that there's a lot of resolutions I didn't execute properly or worse, didn't even do. I can be my worst critic so sometimes I can be angry with himself for those failures.

There are days I feel like giving up, in fact I was quite close in throwing the towel for everything and prepared myself to press the reset button. I was very close. Finger-on-the-button-already close. I shared with a brother that I really wanted to. At some point, I thought I am shooting myself (not literally, don't worry) for deciding to comeback to work at West Malaysia. But somehow God intervene. Somehow.

There are days where I was unhappy with a lot of things and people. I lost myself in emotions and again, I was close to throwing the towel to release myself (and people i love) from the agony. I feel sometimes those emotions affects me too much until I let it affect people around me especially my wife. But I thankful for her and my friends for sticking up to me.

There are days I wished I treat people around me a bit better and give my attention to. The tricky part about my life, everyone wants a piece of me. I wished I can clone myself. Or slowdown time.

There are days I wished I have done things better, properly and wisely. There are days deep inside, I feel so broken. There are days I feel angry with all the limitations that people (or even myself) have placed on me. There are times I feel hurt and annoyed by some people's attitude (in or outside church) so sometimes it takes a lot of me to faced these. Sometimes I dug even deeper even when I hit rockbottom emotionally, to get myself up. There are moments I wondered why I got myself into this nightmare.

Don't worry, all is in the past and all is forgiven. I made peace with the fact that nothing in life is ever perfect. There's always bumps and thorns.

All in all, in tough moments, I realized God intervenes somehow. 

It's through ups and downs of life that thought me to stay focus and firm on God. Looking on the bright side, there's a lot to balance out those tough moments.

Being engaged and then married a wonderful woman. We have our ups and downs like any couple, but putting God in the center of our marriage is very crucial. Our relationship have thought me a lot about what love is all about and God is all about. It's something I wished every couple would learn. I cannot asked for a better life than this. Love you my wife Audrey.

Being made a pastor also brings the best out of me too. Great powers comes great responsibility, they say. I don't see myself being a priest in-charge but what God given to me now, I just hope I can be up to that task of being a servant of Him to His people. That being said, I worked hard in ministry despite limited resources. I know I serve a big God, even when the odds are against me and the ministry and even when my boss has other ideas about me and other things. I always tell myself that I won't want to be bother by such things because I know I can count on God to pull something beyond everyone's imagination. Where I go from here now, I will keep it between me and God. I will hear what He wants me to do. I know as much as man has plans, God has better plans for me. I just wished some people understand that. To those who understood, I am grateful.

I never want to be a pastor who is "holier than thou art"-kind. I just can't do that, I just want to be real as I am -- a child of God, a servant of God, a friend to all. That became very evident when there was one day, I sat down in same table with people of different belief and race. Some vaped, some drink while I just enjoying my food and drink. Yet I just being myself to them talking about music and life, yet they called me pastor although I feel awkward about it. For people outside church circle to call me pastor, that meant a great deal to me. All this reminds me so much of what Jesus went through in Mark 2:13-17. This all reminds me why I am happy to be doing music and living what God planted in me.

Nevertheless, I know God will bless when we stay faithful in what we have or given, so that is what I am going to do. I just want to be a faithful steward and servant.

That brings me to my music side. I never see this as "nothing better to do" or "because some things in life doesn't pay well". No. It's always been an extension of my passion and love for God. It's more than a hobby, it's life. As I mentioned in my post about timlimproject gigs, I thank God for His grace. I made a lot of wonderful friends in that journey, which inspires me to be a better musician/artist for God. I am grateful for every opportunity to be out there, to a point where I enjoyed each time I am out there. The feedback and testimony I experience is incredible, it's very much a confirmation of what I am doing is right. You just know it. That's life.

I am looking forward to exciting journey in this. I am writing new materials, now praying for the right time to release them someday. My creativity is waiting to burst out. Anyway, my 2nd albums stock in my house has finished. You have look elsewhere in shops. I still have plenty of first album to go around though. So yea. Whether next is a full album, EP or just single, I am not sure, let's see.

I am still young and while I have life, I want to do as much as I can.

There are many blessings which eventually points that God is watching over me (and us). He has His own way of blessing people which no one can explain. Like I said, I just want to be a faithful steward and servant of God in handling whatever He has given to me.

What I looking forward to do in 2017, to improve on my 2016 shortcomings and build on what is done in 2016, basically. I hope to get some time to rest as well, perhaps at this point of typing, I feel as though I poured my life into everything that I have been doing. I need to recuperate emotionally and spiritually. That's the plan so far..

A few things I learn which I hope I can share with you to encourage you to look ahead towards 2017..

1) Plan your year. I know some might think, screw resolutions because you never get it done. No, don't do that. There's a saying that goes "if you fail to plan, you plan to fail". Get it plan out even it seems very impossible at that moment. You never know how God open doors.

2) Be faithful in small things. There's the constant lesson and it has brought me this far.

3) You cannot control what people think and talk. Humans will always be humans, sometimes they never understand the journey that you are actually going through. Just stand firm. Do what God has set in your heart. Throughout the year, I faced critics and doubters if ever those things can be done. There were moments I regret I listened to some, there were moments where I am glad that I didn't listened to some. At the end of the day, remember what is written in Psalm 20:7 -- "Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God".

4) You don't owe anything to anyone or to the world. Smile and wave. Enjoy the journey.

5) Enjoy your life and NEVER compare yourself to anyone else. Everyone have their own journey.

6) If you want change, BE THE CHANGE. No point talking so much but you are not ready for it.

7) Eventually, the best reference of life is in Matthew 5:3-12, known as The Beatitudes. Read it and it gives a different perspective of life.

To end, I want to apologize if I failed you as a son, as a friend, as a brother, as a pastor, as a leader, as a mentor, as a human. I also wanna thank all of you for being there for me. There were a lot of moments of inspiration which I am thankful for, which often you all are part of it. There were many beautiful moments we have that I won't forget in a hurry.

Thank You God for this life.

Cheers for 2016. 2017 will be better, for you and me.

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