retreating

Just wanna share some thoughts as I am taking a break from today till 19th July.

Honestly, it supposed to be our honeymoon and supposed to be overseas. But we were caught up in so many things in life especially my side in busyness in ministry. We failed to sit down and really plan for it. Partly also, no one sponsored us especially those who expected us to go honeymoon.. just know how to talk only. Okay, I am half joking on that part.

So, we kinda rebel against those who thinks couples should honeymoon straight after wedding. hahaha.

Well, already bad enough that I cannot have my honeymoon, I was told I cannot call this my sabbatical for whatsoever reasons. Honestly, it's big BS for me.

Anyway, no point crying over spoil milk. This gonna be my break where I get to fulfill my promise to my cell group to go for a trip together and also bringing my wife to explore more West Malaysia land. Apart from that, I am taking that time to evaluate my life's choices and consider what is ahead for me.

To be honest, there is too many thoughts in my head. Many were unhealthy thoughts that I stuff in the reject corner of my mind, and honestly, are yet to dispose off. It starts haunting me when things goes ugly and it always takes a lot of me to not let it out. Sometimes, I am unhappy with some directions taken by some people - those above me in hierarchy, those around me, those under me. I am starting to lose trust and respect for some people that I known for quite some time. Basically, there are a lot of unhappiness I needed to deal with, sometimes it's so hard for me especially in my position to not let that affect me but sometimes it fails. There are times I feel I've let it to start affecting people that I care about a lot. How about sharing? Honestly, the results or outcome haven't been working out that well too.

Not too long ago, a so-called leader came to me and criticized the friends I have. I asked that person kindly, what makes him thinks that way? No respond. He couldn't justify his own points. No explanation. I could have further embarrassed that person in public by saying he is not different than what he thinks, so stop judging people... but he was very lucky I was kind to him by not saying it. I could though but you see... sometimes I am too nice.

That's why situations like these every now and then, gets me thinking about whether how long can I deal with everyone's weaknesses and insecurities. I begin to ask myself a lot of questions. And I am not sure if these questions would ever be answered.

I know we are imperfect but that shouldn't be an excuse for justifying our reasons and points. 

Years ago, I told myself, I want to make a change in the world around me. Be it in my attitude towards people, be it in my mindset, be it in my passion, be it in what I do. I want to see changes in the way things around me, in the way people look at life. That's why I am doing what I am doing. There's a lot of changes I want to achieve. Some say it's a noble thing to do but truth to be told, it's rather misunderstood and taken from granted. Sometimes, it takes a lot of your time, emotions, energy and life.

Of course, the ugly truth is sometimes people are happy being in their status quo, for whatever reasons. So now you know, it's not an easy battle. 

But sometimes I want to be like a little candle trying to light up a huge dark place. What I want or trying to do is at least I want to bring that light as much as I can. I want to be a difference to someone somewhere somehow.

Over the years, I have seen what I do bear fruits. Sometimes not at all or maybe it would take longer time.

So, this candle have been holding up for quite long and it starts to flicker. This selflessness, I wonder how far can we go? This so-called battle is a lonely battle, truth to be told. Not many understand it. Like any battles, sometimes the best way to face it is to retreat and rethink the strategy.

Music is something I have been doing and will continue to do despite the shortcomings and hardships. Music is a gift that God given to me and I won't want to be an irresponsible servant to let it rot under my carpet. I can say this umpteen times till I die. Meanwhile, serving God has always been out of my love for Him. Put both together, it basically consumed every part of my life. Now, that's sometimes some understand that and some don't. Worse, sometimes it's been taken advantage or for granted. For that, I need to start re-evaluating things around me.

It's easy to say look towards God and pray to overcome such situation. To be honest, it's true in hearsay so meanwhile, I have to pray on how to deal with it and see what God has to say.

So basically yea,  I just want to retreat to some thoughts and just unwind. Perhaps, do things that I would wanna do for some time, which I don't know if I have even time for it because times flies when we are at it.

I know I am brutally honest and the reason I share this is not because I wanna bring down somebody or some people but it's letting everyone know that real life have real struggles. I know I will survive this somehow, like I always do. Because I trust in a God that can work beyond my limitations.

Pray for me. All I asked. Nothing more. 

Cheers. Let's see what the future holds.