Thursday, June 29, 2017

regrets and reflection

Recently, since it's long stretch of holiday, me and my wife did some spring cleaning in the house and I managed to dig up some of my old notes and stuff.

There were a few stuff I actually regret having. Perhaps, I put a lot of faith and prepared to take the risk. I told myself I will be responsible for it and till today, I take responsible for what I have done. I am not sure how this gonna settle but can only trust God. Meanwhile, I take responsible for decision I made.

Lately I been thinking a lot about things around me. There is a lot of negativity and sometimes I just suck in those vibes, while telling myself things would be better. Well, sometimes there's a price for that and yet no one knows. Honestly, I am disappointed and sadden by a lot of things yet I just keep quiet because of a lot of factors. Some are good factors, some are not.

The thing about me is I don't like telling too many things to people, which is why sometimes people misjudge and misunderstand me. I don't need to tell details about my life and my ministry. I always think the only person I am accountable to is the guy that's up there.

There is so much burden I am carrying and sometimes I am not sure how to share that to people. The reason why I take up the role that I have right now is because I want to see change in the world around me, even though sometimes things are so impossible. If I can start a little fire, why not?

So every now and then, I asked myself, is this burden worth it? I don't know. There's a lot of barriers to break, mindset to change and sacrifices to make. Not many sees it. Everyone only cares about what they have. Very rare some people have asked me what I want or what can they do to help.. often it's more towards can I help them more and give more? That's the struggle I have in me each day, how much can I carry?

Have we asked, what's next for our kids and their friends and their kids and beyond?

This whole question have consumed me every day, every week, every month, every year. I feel like letting go this whole game but sometimes whenever I feel like letting go, I always tell myself, just fight till God says enough.

My motto always been hustle on. Be that positive change.

And this article sums up what I feel.

Anyway, back to my so-called spring cleaning, I saw a piece of paper where actually I planned with a few leaders for Saturday night back in 2013, in terms of direction and what we wanna achieve. We were excited to execute it.. till life have other ideas. I was asked to move to Sabah, so does my ex-boss who was transferred to Thailand. Long story short, those ideas never get to see the light of day... until recently as I went through that plan that I dig up and I realized, man, I actually execute those plans somehow when I came back to KL last year. Surprisingly whatever we planned, somehow God open doors for us to do it. Okay, some ideas didn't hit 100 percent accurate but the ideas and concept were there and we are still in progress.

It's a fine example of God is a faithful God. All we need to do is to be faithful.

It's some reminder that whatever plan God put in me, I should believe someday I will see the light. Somehow. Some ways.

I need that confidence and faith, because sometimes regrets of life can get better of me.

But sometimes God keeps us going on.

Till He says enough, then I will lay down my sword.

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